She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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