I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Randomize
