So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
