Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
