I accidentally burped into my bong.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
