I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize