My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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