im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
