Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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