You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
