I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
