i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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