is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Randomize
