There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Randomize
