i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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