You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
