yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
