I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I have fence marks all over my body
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
