Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
