Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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