the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
In other news, I just burned my penis
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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