It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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