This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I'm like, not good at living.
i out mim tonsoeep
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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