she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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