he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
