What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
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