Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
