I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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