Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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