I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
