I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
