when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
