Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
