just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Randomize
