... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
