i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Couch. On fire.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
