I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
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