Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
