Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
