Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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