Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
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