he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize