During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize