Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
