My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
