I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize