New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize