He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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