She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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