After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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