My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
