I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
