My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
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