So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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