Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
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