now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
