and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
